Josh on Tv Commercials (insert witty statement here)

There is a good chance that most of you reading this own a television, and therefore there is an even greater chance that most of you that own said television have seen a television commercial, unless the said percentage of you that claim to actually own a television have one of those tv/vcr combos where only the vcr part really works. In other words you are a consumer, and are quite familiar with advertisements on television, which more often than not depict particularly ludicrous things which usually don’t quite look much or anything like real life. What’s that you say? You still don’t know what I’m talking about? Look at your television and check to see if your vcr light is on; if you don’t see a commercial when you change channels it’s probably because you’re watching a movie, unless you have one of those fancy machines that cost like a bazillion dollars (bazillion being a relative term, like an uncle) that eliminate commercials for you.

Since you know about commercials, then by now you have probably figured out that unlike television shows and movies, which frequently attempt to depict life as it could be (for example, living with a bigfoot or an alien), commercials do not in any form actually imitate life, except of course the life of a commercial actor. Now then, let’s say you’re watching a commercial for a children’s product like a new boy’s action figure of some sort; what usually happens is that the boy in question will pick up the “good guy” action figure and start talking in what he thinks is the good guy action figures voice and he will like totally destroy the evil forces over in the bad guy action figures hideout, which is probably somewhere over top of the clothes hamper. Also the boy will be incredibly excited and will make all sorts of noises in accordance with his action figure playing time, all of which if happened in real life would be cause for your little boy to see his school guidance counselor for help because obviously you have no idea of how to deal with this problem.

You see what I mean do you? In that case you have probably also seen commercials for products that help you in some way with a particularly embarrassing problem that you probably wouldn’t tell your grandkids about (like male diapers). These commercials usually do something like a before and after spot with a character actor doing his best job to show you his discomfort because of his particular malady in the before spot, and the character actor and usually his whole family, and occasionally large groups of friends involved in wholesome exciting, invigorating, refreshing outdoor activities where everyone is smiling and making sure they show all their teeth, which by the way are always white. I’m unsure of what to think of one of these recent commercials for some old person product. In this one, it depicts a softball game of some description with several very old and very young people playing, and literally every visible spectator appears to be having an incredible time. I’m unsure what to think of this for several reasons: are they all so cheery because the old person who got his life back is able to play softball with his grandson again? Are they cheering for the game? If so, then how come even the people whose team is losing are cheering? Why is everyone cheering? I suppose it’s not possible to play your family in softball when you have a bladder infection. Why is the grandfather laughingly tagging what appears to be his grandson out at second base? I thought grandparents were supposed to let kids win or something.

I also like food commercials because they have quick images of people eating food, followed by a close-up of the person’s face where they make an impossibly happy face after eating pasta. I don’t know about you guys, but personally I haven’t made a face that happy since the last time I ate a bowl of cookie crisp cereal™. Obviously I don’t know for certain since I have never been and most assuredly never will be in charge of production or filming of a food commercial, but it appears to me that the makers of food commercials, and blasphemy I know, but commercials period, simply want to take your money by showing you how much of a good time you can have with their particular product. It’s a simple concept I know, but it was all worked out in the marketing department years before you were born. Mothers need to see babies playing happily in huggies diapers™ because otherwise they might just buy the cheapest diaper available, and we certainly wouldn’t want that to happen would we? Because everyone knows that huggies™ are the best simply because they are thicker. Well actually, I don’t really know from personal experience, I’m just sort of relating them to downy toilet paper and brawny paper towels.

The point I’m making is that commercials can change your life for the good, so pay attention to what you watch, and be a smart shopper. Man I wish I had some catchy way to wrap this thing up like a classic rock dj right about now.

Bye Gang!

-Josh

*This column fills your daily allowance of funny.

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