Well ladies and gentleman, lords and ladies, people of various shapes and sizes, and fans and friends, I really was hurting for a topic for this new issue. I had a few ideas I kicked around this month (2). The first one was centered around how much worthless news is actually contained in the newspaper, and the second idea was going to be a long diatribe titled “Being a kid is more fun than being grown-up”. I had no idea at all how I was going to do a humorous column about being grown-up, but keep in mind I never have any idea about how I’m going to make anything humorous, i just keep talking and throwing out adjectives and usually people like it.
I was also thinking about what so-called “real” columnists (read: people who get paid) do for articles. After thinking about this topic at some length and of course reading all the normal columns that I read in the newspaper and on major news websites like cnnsi.com, I’ve come to the conclusion that these highly respected journalists usually just comment on the news. Which is to say that a column is supposed to feature talking in some way about the news as it is happening with some particular view of whatever is going on. Of course there are some notable exceptions like a writer that I’m not going to mention that wrote about how much he missed his dead dog. I have never worked for a "real" newspaper (no pay in a school paper) but I'm pretty sure that a journalist's dog dying doesn't qualify as a happening for anyone but that journalists immediate family and anyone else whose life that apparently incredible dog touched. I guess these columnists work hard all year long, and so occasionally are allowed to just put out an easy column, which means whatever they feel like writing about. SO…where do I fit in this great pantheon of columnists around the world?
I only update the column about once a month. So thus far I’ve tried to avoid talking about any particular topic of news interest that I wanted to put my own slant on, and I don't just try to talk about anything for the sake of talking. Instead what I’ve done is to just create a generalized topic to talk about that many people find interesting. In other words, I write for my fans - it’s true. I want a fifteen-year old to be able to appreciate this column as much or more than my grandfather, who happens to be a devoted fan. You see, different people find different things funny, so I try to target my humor to as many people as possible. For instance, at Thanksgiving this year I decided to eat some cranberry on a plate by itself which some of my unnamed cousins found hysterically funny. I have no idea why eating a slice of canned cranberry is funny but fortunately I happen to be a funny magnet. Funny things are just drawn to me in mysterious ways. Unfortunately that last sentence was not one of those ways. I also don’t want to write the fan club columns just like regular newspaper columnists who take a news article and frequently make all the obvious jokes about that article. I feel that my readers deserve quality over quantity. That is what I try to provide to the people that come here and read the words that I have slaved over for too many hours. Naturally being a servant of the people, if I get e-mails directed to me asking me to write more often, then I probably will. And for lack of subject material I will probably be forced to comment on the news, which is certainly more interesting than commenting on what I do every day, like crying over my missing dog.
REMEMBER: This is your site my friends (as I keep trying to tell you). Tell me what you want to see. I’ll make it happen (within reason, and adhering to the previous ground-rules: read earlier issues). If you want me to review movies for you I’ll do that. If you really want to hear about who Mel Gibson is dating, then I’m afraid I can’t provide that. In case you actually do want intelligent and witty conversation about the solar system, then I am also afraid that this column will not suit your needs. But, if you want to hear intelligent, and well-written diatribes about a variety of subjects that I would know or read about, just let me know. Also, send me your writing and I’ll put it up!I feel that columns and the news in general should make people think, and want to tell other people about what they have just read. I make mention frequently to my friends of my fondness for Miami Herald syndicated columnist Dave Barry. This is because he comes up with topics that I like talking about such as “how does a guy shop for groceries?”, or “what are the scientific uses of a humvee?”. Which brings up my point: Do people really need to know who celebrities are dating, or complicated scientific reports on meaningless subjects like the amount of methane gas produces by cows, or that people who run in the rain don’t get as wet as people who walk in the rain? I don’t think so. This will probably be the topic of my next column.
NEXT ISSUE? I am putting the next issue to a VOTE. If you want me to struggle my way through the piece entitled “Being a kid is a lot more fun than being grown up” that is okay with me, and if you want me to comment on the pointlessness of many news pieces, I would be more than happy to do that also.
A SERVICE FOR THE FANS: If you send me any of your writing work, not only will I review it personally and send you back my critique of it, but if you like I will put it in a special “fan” section for everyone to see.
I do apologize to everyone for not writing a “strict” humor piece this month. Maybe I had too much turkey, but I just had to get a few things off my formidable chest. I try to do my best for you guys, I’ve just had some things on my mind lately. (bad excuse) Maybe I’ve been working too much (nope try again). Maybe I’m too distraught over my sister going away to cooking school in Rhode Island for three years. (yes there’s a winner). Alright, I knew I could come up with a winning ending for the column. That makes me feel validated, but I affirm anyone’s right to feel differently.SO REMEMBER TO VOTE FOR THE NEXT ISSUE! - see you in a few.