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The Second Installment of the World Famous Joshua Dudley Fan Club


Circa: August 6, 2001. This one deals with our favorite topic: traffic jams.

Traffic jams as many of you know are inexplicably hard to deal with for the average consumer, the average driver, the average city planner, and the average mayor. However, the average pedestrian cares little for traffic jams, and in fact will sometimes stop to have a good time at the expense of the average driver by walking briskly past people stopped in their cars, and more frequently by calling their friends to see the fun. The average street vendor also enjoys traffic jams immensely and will go out of his way to hawk his sometimes overpriced items to anyone he can see that is stuck in his car. After all, if you were stuck in your car in 100 degree weather for 37.2 minutes how much would you pay for a can of soda and a polish sausage? I thought so. That 7 dollars and 50 cents would have been money well spent.

It has come to my attention that some people donít like unexpected traffic jams. This is probably because people often have their entire day and trip itinerary planned out to the millisecond, including time spent ogling the new displays at the gas station, and waiting for about 200 other cars to slowly move past a police officer on a routine traffic stop who happens to be blocking a lane usually isnít a planned out occurrence. If it was, then it probably wouldnít be so bad. Many of you would make productive use of your time, like recording your entire life autobiography on tape. (Side 1. I was born. Later at the age of 2 when I ran around with no clothes on down the sidewalk, I knew I was destined for greatness, etc.)

Thereís usually not much you can do to get ahead in regular traffic jams, other than changing lanes rapidly to move forward about 10 feet. But there different kinds of traffic jams, the first kind is the extremely unexpected ďwhy is the guy in front of me putting his brakes on? Why am I slowing down? Why is my life grinding to a halt? AAAAAA I canít take it anymore!!!Ē Thatís the first kind of traffic jam, the second is the kind caused by your friendly local government when they close a lane on a merging intersection causing all the traffic that was in 2 or 3 lanes to eventually be forced down to just one. This of course creates a problem that is just not mentioned in your official state drivers handbook which you can find readily available at any state licensed dmv after waiting in line for only 10 minutes. The problem is that when some people (read: old) see flashing signs that tell you that the right lane is closing move into the left lane, they obey immediately and get in the left lane. These same people obey all traffic laws and would if need be wait in that officially licensed traffic jam until Jesus comes back to take them to Heaven (where Iím assuming there are no cars). But, other people refuse to obey the signs right away. These are the same kinds of people that wait until their grass is about 2 feet high before mowing their lawn. What they do is attempt to merge at the last possible second right before the imminent destruction of crashing into a government vehicle that is blocking the road. What this does is it gets this person far ahead of the rest of the line where they prey on the good nature of those people who have waited 20 minutes to get to where this person got in under a minute. ďPlease stop your car, so I can get ahead of youĒ, these people seem to say. ďAfter all, if you donít let me in. Iíll cause trouble for you and gradually try to squeeze on through.Ē If you choose to merge somewhere in the middle, like I do, then you donít have to wait in the entire line of cars, and you also donít force someone to move for you, you actually merge. This just means that you are mad as tar at those people who want to cut in front of you and slow things down for everyone. After all, you did the right thing.

In the end, there is no real answer to traffic jams, until the day comes when we all drive around in flying cars which turn into our briefcase which we take to work and lay down besides us happily. Besides if the government tried to regulate it, you probably wouldnít like the solution very much anyway. Iíd write more about this topic but Iím just too mad to say more.

As usual all questions, comments, thoughts of a random nature, and death threats may be sent to joshdudley@yahoo.com at your own personal discretion. I welcome anything. I do like to read.