Josh on the art of Drying
I come to speak to you today about a very important topic, one that is gradually taking away our freedom to choose, and making it harder for us to do what we want. Yes, obviously I’m talking about the hand dryer industry.
If you’re like me, then you’re 26, enjoy Seinfeld re-runs, and drying your hands with paper towels in fast food restaurant bathrooms. This is not a freedom that I take lightly. Actually drying your hands with paper towels does something that normal hand dryers in corporate bathroom facilities do not, and this is a very important function – they dry your hands completely! You decide when you are done drying your hands, not some timer that regulates your air flow and cuts off shortly thereafter letting you know that “hey buddy, you’ve obviously had enough time to dry your hands by now after washing them, how about clearing out of this bathroom and leaving room in front of this World Dryer Corporation tm@ hand dryer for the next guy huh?”
There are many websites out there on the internet trumpeting how wonderful the World Hand Dryer Corporation is for providing the world with such an incredible product that actually blows hot air downwards. They claim that is much more efficient than paper towels because it doesn’t waste paper, and it is more convenient. Normally with a product like this you get the impression that it was created (and) or pushed to be politically correct because of everyone suing over the dirty sheets of paper in the bathrooms. Then you might think to yourself how nice it must be to dry your hands without touching anything because I don’t want to take the chance of touching something icky in the bathroom, because God knows where people’s hands have been. The World Hand Dryer Corporation certainly feels this way, and they have since 1927. As far as I know there aren’t any polls that I could find on whether or not people actually prefer air hand drying over you know real hand drying with a paper towel because you know to me it looks like paper towels actually do what they’re supposed to do and you know dry your hands, while air dryers just sort of take too long to end up leaving your hands feeling slimy. I know if I wanted my hands to feel all slimy I could do it in a lot shorter amount of time than the hand dryers from the World Hand Dryer Corporation can do it in.
If you couldn’t tell by this point, I’ve used the words “World Hand Dryer” Corporation an awful lot in the body of this article and I intend to bandy these words around for dramatic effect as often as I can to make my point and my demands heard clearly. Ahem. My point is that the World Hand Dryer Corporation is evil to the core, and my demand is for every public bathroom to have paper towels to dry your hands with, and for people who don’t want to touch paper towels but they are certainly okay with touching a huge metal button that thousands of people with wet slimy hands have touched before them, to have a hand dryer also. That’s right. Why not have both? Everywhere! Make it a federal law! Federal law sure seems like its creeping up into everything so why not this! Write your congressperson today to express your displeasure with whatever local public bathroom that you frequent.
On a side note, I have to say that I really enjoy the “sensor” features in some bathrooms where the toilet flushes for you, or the water in the sink runs for you. It’s just funny. I love it. I think you should too. With that in mind, why aren’t there paper towel dispensers that work the same way? It seems to me that the paper towel dispenser people aren’t being clever enough in appealing to the people who must be clean at all costs. In fact I’d venture to say that in the breathtaking world of paper towel products and dispensers there hasn’t been a great many advances since that small hand crank that sometimes gives you part of a paper towel roll to dry your hands with, and sometimes gets stuck and leaves you in a rage trying to rip little pieces off in a desparate attempt to get your hands dry so you can walk out in public again. (which by the way is a lot more than I can say for the toilet paper product and design people)
FYI: The World Hand Dryer Corporation is the company that produces all of the hand dryers that I have ever seen in my entire life. The next time that you are having a good time in a public restroom after a delightful recreational activity take a good look at what company is making the machine that dries your hands. If it’s not the World Hand Dryer Corporation then you can kiss my grits. And yes I do feel validified in my use of the words grits in a sentence. It’s a southern tradition after all.