Josh on Shoelaces
Today I present to you the beginning of the all new format of the Joshua Dudley Fan Club humor column (man if I could make up a longer title for that I would) with the first column (as you can no doubt see for yourself a lines up) about shoelaces. Why am I writing about shoelaces you are no doubt asking yourself, or any other sane person seated or standing nearby you. For several reasons actually, the first is to prove that I can shuffle on endlessly on one topic and have it maintain something of a semblance to what I call humor, and second because newspaper columnists always always always write about anything and everything, but until now they’ve never dared write about shoelaces!
Shoelaces are one of America’s most under appreciated consumer products and this is very sad because they are one of our greatest strengths – think about it for just a second would you? This is very important. If it wasn’t for shoelaces what would your shoes do? They would flop everywhere, leaving you without the support you need and the comfort that you deserve! Think about your alternatives to laces. Are you still thinking about it? Man what a boring topic, why would you be thinking about your shoelaces for? That’s just ridiculous man. Does anyone really want to go through life with Velcro on everything? Just imagine that you are in an important business meeting and everyone on the board of directors hears you bending over to tighten the Velcro on your fancy business shoes. Imagine your chagrin! Just what in the world could you possibly do? More than likely you would probably be fired the next day, and it would go something like this, “Ted we really like your work and all and we thank you for the help with that Johnson business, but frankly we just don’t like your Velcro. It distracts everyone from making money, and you know how important that is around here. Here is some paperwork to fill out so we can process you out.”
I know you don’t want that to happen, so it’s probably best to stick with your good old-fashioned shoelaces. It’s a proven fact that old people don’t like change, and if you want to be old someday, don’t’ ever get new laces, or Velcro. To help improve your willpower in not ever getting new shoelaces (unless you really desperately have to have them or else you you’ll just get sick to your stomach), here is a quote from an internet ad for shoelaces (source omitted) – “We are committed to finding you the absolute lowest price on all types of shoelaces as well as 1000’s of other promotional products and advertising specialties.” Frankly I’m almost a little disturbed by the thought of a company caring enough about shoelaces to even bother advertising that they carry a lower price than their nearest competitor. For that matter, why is there a nearest competitor for shoelaces? Shoelaces are just something you have to buy every once in a while if they break, but usually you just end up buying a new shoe first, which fortunately for all parties involved, comes with shoelaces already.
Right about now, I bet you’re thinking that shoelaces are a pretty darn boring topic. Well guess again brother! Right after this next sentence I present to you the best history of shoelaces that I could find on the internet: enjoy.
An aglet is the small plastic or fiber tube that binds the end of a shoelace (or similar cord) to prevent fraying and to allow the lace to be passed through an eyelet or other opening. This comes from the Latin word for "needle." The shoestring (string and shoe holes) was first invented in England in 1790. Before shoestrings, shoes were commonly fastened with buckles.
WOW! Hey kids that’s hot stuff! Man oh man! What would you guys have done if you didn’t know that? I bet you wouldn’t want to be wearing those cumbersome, and dangerous, buckles on all your shoes now would you? That’s what I thought. Shoelaces are exciting, no matter what anyone tells you, and despite the fact that all the other hits I got for “shoelaces” on google.com either dealt with someone selling shoelaces, or making fun of them such as mentioning, “I got so bored I started to watch the History channel special on the History of Shoelaces.”
I was trying to think of a brilliant wrap-up to this column, but I couldn’t really, and I didn’t want you the fans to be victimized by not being able to read the end of the column, and for any other English majors out there, I want to write the word column one more time to bother you, so I just have to say that shoelaces are the hottest thing since sliced bread, that’s why I wear my new lace-less basketball shoes wherever I go.